"Everybody is always tugging at you. They'd all like a sort of chunk out of you. I don' think they realize it, but it's like 'grrr do this, grr do that...' But you do want to stay intact--intact and on two feet."

Do you know how sad it is... When you're scared to tell your friend that you're going out on a date because due to past experience... You know some dramatic shit is going to go down?

Do you know how sad it is... That I ordered a lovely steak meal... And only got to eat about a tiny two inch strip of that steak because I was so stressed out by said friend that I couldn't even eat. I couldn't even enjoy my date.

Do you know how sad it is to be woken up repeatedly each and every day because the friend that you have told to cut back on texting thinks it's completely okay to still send you dozens of messages without any response from you?

Do you know how sad it is when you have enough trouble on your plate already, but because this friend has a bad day... they drag you down with them merely because they can?

Do you know how sad it is when you point out to your friend that all of the texting (about 50 a day on average), all of the 'taking it out' on you, and the like hurts... And you can't tolerate it... They treat you like you're the one who is doing all the hurting?

Do you know how sad it is when your friend helps you out, and you appreciate it, and you tell them such, but each time they get angry they throw it in your face, or claim that the only reason you hang out with them is for the money, even when a good half of the time you don't even know you have money fucking coming to you?

Do you know how sad it is that I am considered the best friend this kid has and yet I am treated like I'm scum.

How depressing is it for me to have days where I suffer simply because of the shit that is going on in my life, and then there are days where I have to suffer simply because Colin is having a bad day.

I'm so tired of every day getting 50 some odd text messages, and when I'm not feeling like talking, or I'm trying to nap, or spend time with my mom, or my fiance... He gets mad because I don't respond...

It's depressing that when I take a stand, and I stand up for myself... I have everything turned around on me. It's terribly depressing that when I ask someone to stop doing something that hurts ME, that bothers ME... it's inappropriate, and how dare I ask such a thing.

So I suppose asking someone to stop in the middle of rape is inappropriate too, then. If asking someone to stop something because it hurts you, and your wellbeing is inappropriate and wrong then... Fine.

Dogs never bite me. Just humans.

Kanashii

I am nothing, neither mysterious nor playful, charismatic nor joyful. How is it that I exist?

Dear You;

Hide in the dark another day, the fear in you is here to stay
So keep the fuck away from me, and learn to trust the words I say.

Hatred fuels my blood, I'll burn ya down.

I've learned a lot
from being alone.

As long as you didn't let go of my hand,
I felt like I could do anything.

When we walked along the same path
I believed without a single doubt.

But even so, why...?

But even so, why...?

But I...

I remember your promise.
I remember every day.

--

Surely, surely we are
more beautiful when we're sad.
That's why, that's why we are
dirtier when we're sad.

To protect us and ours,
we must sacrifice something yet again.
Those who can live on
think always of that.

If this world were split into
winners and losers,
I'd rather be a loser.
I always want to be a loser.

What can I tell you?
I'm just a small, helpless person.
That's all I'll say for now
because sometimes words
are completely powerless.

--

The summer has come again and again since then
But why am I looking back upon the past again
Tracing the footprints?

I remember everything even now
Your voice calling my name, your casual habits
I want to forget, and I don't want to forget

Did I choose the right way?
But I keenly understand there is no answer
Whomever I may ask it to

Please tell me some day that you are happy
And smile

I gently lock the memories away
Leaving them to be beautiful

This feeling, this feeling, go up into the sky
And be dispersed beautifully like a firework

--

I calmly feel That I never forget What I don't want to forget Even if I don't try to remember it It was a cold day I kept on waiting Just for you In the hard rain I was afraid of nothing I could even think That even if it was the last day of my life I didn't care People who were Happily smiling together Passed just close to me So many times But I was smiling More gently than anyone else Standing alone Without an umbrella -- What am I expecting? Every time the phone receiver I'm grasping trembles My heart leaps But soon I'm let down with a sigh How many times will I continue to do this? How long am I going to believe the words, "some other day" When it will never come? It's better to forget Thinking that I just dreamed for a little while Though I know very well A miracle will never happen Though I know very well I'm sorry I told you abruptly that day That everything became suddenly unclear The last time that I saw your tears Is still clinging to my memory Why couldn't I believe in you . Right in front of me? You see? It must have been good enough Only to love what I was loving Almost clumsily I wonder if I could leave Something for you When time passes by What will be left for me? My heart going on wishing for a miracle? Or just A scar? -- Little by little the warmth you left me with is going out If it's gone completely, what will my body mean? Seized with several impulses, I'm lost in a maze with no exit The sense of reality urges me suddenly to find the way out But why can't I leave this place, so strangely? (*) I can smile naturally about this time tomorrow As if nothing had happened I've always walked in such a manner But I can't control this game as I wish The moment I say something Everything may slip down through my fingers like sands And I only wait the time passing by so calmly (**) I need no makeshift words Which I'll probably forget about this time tomorrow I had made this game a little longer than usual No problem, I'll be able to find another one (*) repeat (**) repeat Please tell me that this pain is surely an illusion Please tell me that I'm not like myself at all now Please tell me, because otherwise, I'll yearn for your warmth again --

I've got a lot to say to you, I've got a lot to say

There are times, and circumstances where one comes to question just whether or not their significant other is entirely honest, especially when it comes to past situations...

In these situations you come to wander, when you've been told that they've never really had too many serious relationships, and then you do a little xanga hopping, and look at some exgirlfriends xangas, and it looks like... Hell, this girl got the person that you wanted, but didn't end up with. I was the one that got a malfunctioning model. Everyone has gotten what they've wanted out of that guy, except for me. It's like an item has been used and returned repeatedly... And then eventually, someone gets stuck with the thing that works for a short period of time, and then completely melts down, non-functional.

So you sit and wonder to yourself.... If you've been lied to so many times before, then how do you know that this time is truth? Some things can change about a person, but some things you can't. And maybe lying is one of them.

But how do you come back from this form of betrayal, and this betrayal of utter distrust...

You have only two options, wait and see if this person can redeem themselves, or leave.

When you choose to stay, you go through so much more than you'd imagine, you think it's mildly easy going in, and then you realize just how quickly you've sunk into this horrible hole, where you can't fucking dig yourself out. Dirt keeps being sholved in upon your head, and the air is growing thin... And eventually, you're buried.

So when you make that choice.... you go in with out a plan....

...Well, without any plans.... how can I possibly dig my way out?